Wednesday, February 27, 2008

#1: Flying First Class

Rich People like flying in First Class for so many reasons. First, it is a chance for them to demonstrate that they can easily throw down $4000 for 4 round trip tickets from New York to Orlando to take their kids to Disney World. In other words, it's a really good way to spend a lot of money on something that is completely unnecessary. Second, they like the fact that, although their tickets cost five times as much as a regular ticket, the drinks, food, and headsets for movies are "free." (See #3: Things that seem "free" but are really just "included")

Third, the extra-large leather seats and gratis Gin-and-Tonics help take their mind off of their horrendous carbon footprint. They also get to check extra bags (Rich People have a lot of clothes) and hang their fancy cashmere and camel-hair jackets up in a closet so they don't look wrinkled when they reach their destination.

Fourth, First Class passengers get to use the special "Rich People" line through security, where everyone has cashmere coats, nicer laptops, and Tumi/Louis Vuitton luggage. This is

Fifth, First Class is an opportunity to meet other Rich People. If you're sitting in First Class, you can pretty much guarantee that all of the people around you are also rich, which means it is "safe" to talk to them. Of course, one of the rules of First Class, and of Rich People in general, is that you should never talk to people that you don't know unless you're asking them to do something for you and paying them in return.

Rich People especially like First Class on international airlines, such as Virgin, (which calls its First Class "Upper Class" to more obviously appeal to Rich People) and any airline that gives you a private cabin with a bed (better for joining the Mile-High Club, which is as close as most Rich People will ever get to "adventurous" sex). When talking about these experiences, Rich People will say things such as "getting there is half the fun!" and then wink at each other. Rich People like the fact that Virgin's Upper Class includes a bar so that you can sit and drink with other Rich People (but not talk... see below). Rich People also like that British Air First Class gives out Molton Brown products for free (see #2: Obscure and Expensive International Products), because even though Rich People are Rich, they often got there by being Very, Very Cheap.

Rich people really, really love it when the flight attendant makes an announcement that "The lavatory at the front of the aircraft is for our First Class guests only. There are two lavatories at the rear of the aircraft for use by our Economy Class guests." They get a secret thrill from knowing that the 200 people in the back have a passenger:lavatory ratio of 100:1, while up front, the ratio is 8:1.